Baby Jacob reflection 4: The new normal?

My friends with kids are mostly great. Most of them are good folk who express solidarity with my concerns and tell me everything's going to be fine and that the little guy's fine etc. Some of them suck, however, and like to do the "You think its bad now" game.

That's not helpful.

Anyway, my dad was just here a minute ago. Having raised four kids, I knew he'd have good advice. I told him I'm just terrified all the time. Every little sneeze or sound makes me nervous, even if I know in my mind Jacob is fine.

His advice?

Trust his mother.

Spot on. Kelli has the maternal instinct down pat. For my part, I'm getting better. I love the guy but I'd  be more comfortable to go hunt some mastodon or defeat a warring tribe to provide for his future than I would feed him and change his diaper. That said, I fed him yesterday and today with a bottle and I loved it.

Today I even totally changed my first wet and dirty diaper with no assistance from Kelli. So far I'd tried, but she'd always need to help.

I can't help but wonder if I'll ever relax again. I know I will. My good friends, Kelli and my family told me so. I know one day I'll be able to just sit and watch a tv show and not spaz out when my son wiggles in his crib. That day is not today.

I have to be honest too that my leave from work seemed long in theory. Three weeks away from The CT seemed like an eternity. With one week of leave in the books, it now seems not long enough. I don't want to leave the little guy, and more importantly I don't wanna mommy to be stuck on her own for 8 hours a day. But alas, we got bills and I got a job.

Speaking of me spazzing out. Jacob can nearly roll over... That's weird right? I mean he can go from his back to his side while still in a swaddle. I thought it took months for that. He can also lift his head real well and look around, another later life milestone I thought. I'm hoping the kid's just ahead of the curve.

Today's visitors were Grandpa Riehle, Uncle Greg, Great Aunt Kathy and Uncle Rick and Papa Stegeman. Thanks all of you for stopping by, for the meals, the gifts and the presence of family.

The other thing I'm noticing is a new normal as it pertains to time. When the little guy is sleeping or fussing, every second seems a minute, every minute seems an hour. I'm sure I'll adjust.

What else, what else. He's still going strong on eating, pooping and peeing like a champ. All signs show him to be a cute, healthy baby. We're going to try to get him back on the breast from the bottle tomorrow per the doctor's idea. Kelli tried to get him to go back to that today but no luck. If he can't figure it out tomorrow, we may look at a lactation consultant the Dr. recommended or a friend of my mom's.

Stop a second.

I just re-read all thing and I sound like a bit of a crybaby don't I? I need to keep reminding myself I'm not the first new parent, I'm not the first person to deal with a baby or to be stressed and nervous. Kelli does a great job of telling me that.

Having a baby certainly does bring about a new normal. Nights formerly filled with dinner and three hours of TV will likely be eating dinner at different times while changing diapers and praying for sleep. Relaxing moments on weekends with nothing to do are gone forever, replaced with nervous babywatching, feeding, changing, cuddling.

If it sounds like I lament all that, perhaps I do, but only for a moment. Then I look over at Jacob, sleeping soundly, and I think I wouldn't have it any other way.

I love that Kelli and I are now more than a couple. We're a family. Our love and openness to God's generosity has brought a new life into this world and there's no greater task than that.

Openness to God is how Jacob came to be, and trust in God is how I, a spastic first-time dad, plan to get through it.

Baby Reflections 3: A step in the right direction

So the kid went to the doctor today and to quote Kelli, it was the best $25 we ever spent.

At 9 a.m. today we went to see Dr. Wisenberger at Group Health. (*See below) It was rainy. We were exhausted, emotionally and mentally drained, and quite honestly expecting a trip to Children's hospital when Dr. Wisenberger came in.

He looked him over and asked some questions and said the words we all wanted to hear.

"He's completely healthy."

We both nearly cried, I think.

He wasn't getting enough milk because he was, get this, too hungry to eat well. So we were told to pump some milk and use a bottle. We got him home and low and behold, it worked. He ate plenty. Later while I napped Kelli changed two dirty diapers and later as I assisted with a third, the little scamp peed all over the damn place. I think that's the happiest I'll ever be to see my child urinate on himself.

He's sleeping ok, he's less fussy, and he looks a little less jaundiced I think. We called the doctor back later and he said all seems well and the jaundice is normal. He doesn't think it needs treatment. We're calling him again tomorrow just to check in.


What else. Jacob met great Aunt Debby and great uncle Jerry today and cousins Billy and Sara with their children Patrick and our goddaughter Teresa. They brought some nice gifts and THANK GOD some coffee. I'm eating the lasagna Sara made right now...it is delicious. For lunch we had some pasta Aunt Cari brought over yesterday.

I'm finding that visitors are really a blessing. When someone comes over we get to play the role of proud parent, instead of just worried parent. When its just us, we (or at least I) over analyze every sound and face the little guy makes and get all worked up. The meals, prayers and good wishes from everyone have been a godsend.

Speaking of worked up, I think we're both pretty emotionally drained. After the doctor's appointment we both felt 50 pounds lighter and far less worried, but the last day or two was draining....well the whole four days of his life have been draining, but anyway. Kelli's been a saint, but naturally her hormones have given way to some tears. I've had a few too, if we're being honest.

I just had a weird memory resurface of my anxiety as a child. I remember learning relaxation techniques. Perhaps I'll try them tonight. The best thing I've really found for dealing with the stress however is prayer. When Kelli was in labor on Monday I prayed a rosary in the delivery room. Monday's are the joyful mysteries, which focus on Jesus conception through his being lost at the temple. Reflecting on those mysteries, I remember that even Mary, the Mother of God, must have been a terrible worried new mom at one point.

Sure she knew the kid was special given his conception and her message from the angel, but she also knew a sword would pierce her own soul too. She probably had trouble getting him to eat or sleep on schedule. She definitely worried when he ran off to the Temple. In art, Mary always looks serene and that serenity no doubt comes from her current place in heaven but she couldn't have looked serene with Jesus was sick, or fussy. Well maybe she could, but she's a saint and I'm not. Still it is nice to have the intercession of the Blessed Mother when dealing with a stressful infant. Last night when Jacob was awful fussy, I kneeled at his pack-n-play and with the help of a podcast prayed the rosary. He fell right asleep.

Another great comfort is Jacob's own mother. I love my wife more every time she picks Jacob up, or tells me to calm down, or hugs me as we look at him. Our marriage seems to be getting even stronger thanks to this little bundle of troubling joy and I thank God for that. Single parents must be superheroes.

Anywho, it's nighttime now so he'll get a little fussy again, but all in all he's doing well, and for that I thank God.

*Footnote
I know two visits isn't much but neither Kelli or I are new to Group Health Associates. Essentially, we've always believed they're great pediatricians and terrible adult doctors. The first part of that has been totally reinforced the last two days.

Dr. Maloney and Dr. Wisenberger both went out of their way to make sure we called them to see how Jacob is doing and they didn't say to call or page in an emergency, they said to call either way, and more than once a day even. That kind of commitment is what a new parent needs and so far I highly recommend them for anyone in need of a pediatrician.

Baby Jacob reflection part 2; or, a rough day for the little stinker

So today wasn't Jacob's best day.

By virtue of leaving the hospital a day early we had a 48 hour checkup at the doctor. The positive note is that the little tyke sleeps well in the car and that his doctor, Dr. Tom Maloney, is a great guy. Dr. Maloney was my pediatrician and its great to be able to have a man I trust so well to care for my son.

The not so positive news is the boy has some jaundice. A blood draw at the doc showed bilirubin levels not so high as to warrant immediate treatment, but high enough to have us come back early tomorrow morning for another check.

The blood draw and excitement threw the little man off schedule. He didn't move his bowels at all Friday and he may have urinated only once or twice, when he should have gone 3-4 times. This, and the jaundice, and some lethargy got us to page Dr. Maloney, but with an appointment scheduled tomorrow he advised us to relax, reminded us that new parents are expected to worry, and that the little guy should bounce back in no time.

Tomorrow we see Dr. Wisenberger, who was Kelli's pediatrician growing up. Fun how that works out.

Kelli's milk started to come in big time today, and Jacob wasn't all that hungry. He ate a few times, and finally had a real good feeding later in the day with the assistance of Aunt Rachel. Aunt Rachel is my sister, and she's also a nurse. It helps to have a baby savvy medical professional around to keep new parents calm.

The little tyke has been Fussy McFussterton most of the day but he's laying down now. Mommy's trying to get some rest and Daddy's on baby watch in case he needs a diaper change or just some calming cuddles.

I know jaundice is a fairly normal thing, and all his trouble today was fairly normal stuff too, but I get it now. When a parent tells a non-parent they can't truly understand the worry, the stress, the fear of a not perfectly healthy child, the non-parent rolls their eyes.

Whatever, they think. You give the kid the care they need, worry a tad sure, but mostly you go about your business. Well, that's not how it works. The doctor said jaundice and I was terrified, even though I know it will likely be ok.

When he wouldn't eat for a bit, when he was too sleepy, when we wouldn't be calmed... all those moments today made me so nervous I wanted to rush the little guy to a doctor and say FIX HIM NOW.

All told the kid is fine. My brain knows that. My heart believes he'll be just fine. Something more primal though keeps nagging me with worry. I guess that's called parenthood.

Back on the happy side however, Jacob seemed to really like spending some time with Aunt Rachel. He also got to meet Kelli's sister Aunt Cari today. Cari brought over a lovely meal we'll eat sometime soon and Jessica from our church group of young parents brought over tonight's dinner of turkey noodle soup and salad. It was the first healthy meal Kelli and I have had since Jacob was born, and it was delicious.

Jacob continues to impress with his strength. His neck control is amazing. He lifts his head for several seconds at a time and looks around. I didn't think newborns could do that. His grip is incredible and OF COURSE his lungs must be Olympic swimmer quality as loud as he can yell.

I still can't believe how amazing my wife is. I knew she'd be a great mom and I knew she'd love him, but her self-sacrificing love for him is incredible and he and I are so blessed. I still can't believe how much I love the little guy too. I sing to him, making up words to old lullaby tunes while rocking him to sleep. It really is so cool.

Speaking of blessings. I have a neat Catholic app on my phone that has some great prayers on it. The app is called Laudate. Here's a prayer I've been saying for the little guy all day. It's by St. Augustine and its called Prayer for the Sick. I like it because it's a beautiful prayer for a sick one and his stressed parents, but also because it calls to mind Christ's incredible love, and that many people are in a tougher situation than me. It is good to be grounded with such thoughts.

"Watch, O Lord, with those who wake, or watch, or weep tonight
And give your angels charge over those who sleep

Tend your sick ones, O Lord Christ.
Rest your weary ones.
Bless your dying ones.
Soothe your suffering ones.
Shield your joyous ones.
And for all your love's sake, Amen."

I have SO MUCH to learn about being a parent and I have a hunch that days like today, days when things aren't always perfect, may end up being the days I learn the most.

I have a son. Some reflections from an exhausted first-time parent

I've been looking for a way to revive this blog. I think I've got it. Below is an unedited, stream-of-consciousness reflection I typed the day my wife Kelli and I brought our newborn son Jacob home from the hospital.

Perhaps I'll put more parenting reflections here.

To read a little more about my son and my hopes for him, see this actually edited and coherent column that appeared online for The Catholic Telegraph (<---- Click those words)

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I’m typing right now in the same chair I always type in at home. Straight ahead is still the TV, but the view is somewhat different. The TV is off, and to the left is a baby swing. To the left of that is a pack-n-play. Not far from that is a boppy pillow and a car seat.

I knew this little guy was coming for nine months. I had that time to prepare mentally, emotionally and spiritually to be a father. I didn’t know less than 2 hours after returning from the hospital that he’d own the living room. It doesn’t really hurt the look of the place though, it just makes our apartment look that much more like a home.

In that pack-n-play is the one-and-a-half-day-old Jacob Michael Stegeman. He was born July 23, at 6:51 a.m. He weighed 7 pounds, 4 ounces and he is 19.5 inches long. He has some of me and some of his mother in him, but for the life of me I can’t tell who’s features are whose. He cries louder than I thought possible and his strength is surprising.

I don’t really know the focus of this reflection. I should be asleep, since he is for a moment, and I’m tired. Dead tired. I’ve slept about 3 hours over the last two nights, and my wife Kelli has had it even worse having slept about the same, but after going through labor. I just know that I’m a writer, and I needed to write something.

For the moment, I’m torn between my desire to sleep and my desire to watch that little man as he sleeps. I watch his chest rise and fall. I watch his little flails and listen to his little coos as I wonder if he’s about to wake up. He’s proof positive to me that some clichés are true. Namely, they say you fall in love with your child the moment he’s born. He wasn’t out for a full second before I let out a sound I can't describe. It was part shout, part laugh, part cry, part prayer and part shock. He cried immediately, and I was in love.

His mother is the real hero. Kelli went into labor at home at 4:30 a.m. July 22, Jacob’s due date. Around 7ish we headed to the hospital and about 12 hours later, and after just three pushes when the time came, we had a son. She was amazing, and has taken to motherhood with complete grace. She awes me.

But while July 23 is his birthday, we’ve had a son much longer. We’ve had a child in our minds since November 7 of last year, our three year wedding anniversary, when Kelli told me she was pregnant. We’ve had a son since a while later when the ultrasound tech told us that the little gray line on a black & white photo was a proof of his sex.

From then on I've thought about who he might be.

One of my favorite prayers these days is the vocation’sprayer written by Cincinnati’s Archbishop Dennis M. Schnurr. It starts, “Almighty Father, you have created us for some definite purpose.” The prayer asks God to help people find the path God has created for them, be it priesthood, religious or single life, or marriage. It is a prayer, written by a bishop, that asks for more priests while acknowledging the ever-important point that we all have a vocation.

God created me to marry Kelli. He created her for me, and me for her.He made me a writer who would be a father, and he made her a multi-talented woman who chooses to raise children for His greater glory. 

He created us to be the family that begets and raises Jacob so that one day he will come to know that God has created him for some definite purpose too.

I don’t know what that purpose is yet, and Lord knows neither does Jacob. He just knows he likes to be held, hates to change clothes and he loves to eat. One day he’ll know his purpose. It could be anything. He could be a writer, an artist, a programmer, a priest, a ball player, or anything. It’s crazy to think that this little guy has the whole world in front of him.

I don’t know who Jacob Michael Stegeman will grow up to be. But I beg God for the grace and wisdom to raise him to know that his Almighty Father has created him for some definite purpose. That knowledge gives me solace. I haven’t slept, I’m eating a terrible diet, I have mind-numbing headache. 

I’m happy, and I place my trust in the Lord.

God has created me for this purpose, and with the help of His grace, I know we're up to it.

My latest column "Dreams of a father" for The Catholic Telegraph

I'm sorry I rarely blog here anymore, I want to keep this blog but I need to find its purpose. For now, here's my latest column for The CT.

"Bear with me if this column is a bit of a departure from my usual style and topic. I’m a bit preoccupied, you see, as my son is due to be born July 22.

I don’t know anything about him yet, but I know his mother and I already love him and we already think he’s got a fun little personality based on his mischievous pattern of not letting anyone but mom, and sometimes dad, feel his kicks. (Strong kicks, for the record, the kind that might make him a good NFL kicker.)......."

Read the rest here.
http://www.thecatholictelegraph.com/dreams-of-a-father-my-hope-for-my-soon-to-be-born-son/14948

Sede Vacante

We are a world without a pope, but we are not a world without hope.

As Benedict XVI said prior to resigning, he takes joy in knowing that the Church is God's, not his, and not even ours. God has never left us without a shepherd, even in the times without a pope we know that Christ himself is the true head of the Church.

The Holy Spirit will assist the cardinals and soon enough we'll have a new pope. I don't have any idea who it will be but I know that, as Benedict XVI also said, the Lord can work through even insufficient means.

We are popeless, not hopeless, someone wrote on Twitter.

Covering this in the Catholic media world has been unique. The secular media seems obsessed with trying to portray as a Church in shambles, in a tailspin, mired in controversy, but what I see is something else.

The same divisions within our Church remain, the resignation was a surprise, and there are controversies, but we're a Church filled with thanks for our Pope Emeritus. We're a Church filled with hope for the future pope. We're a Church united, no matter what the so-called "Vaticanistas" on the cable news networks say.

Take faith friends, the Church has survived everything, it will survive this sede vacante, and the next. Our popes take on a great office, but they are mortal men. Our Church is immortal, as is its head, Jesus Christ.

So God made a Pope

UPDATE: Now edited to the version also posted at www.thecatholictelegraph.com

In response to Pope Benedict XVI's resignation announcement today, I give my take on the Paul Harvey classic, "So God made a farmer."

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So God made a Pope

And some time considerably after the 8th day, God looked down on the Church his Son had established and said, “I need a caretaker.” So God made a pope.

God said, “I need somebody willing to preach the gospel before dawn, shepherd a multitude, work all day with world leaders and then come back to Rome to hear the concerns of the faithful.” So God made a pope.

God said, “I need someone parental enough to baptize a child, man enough to accept Holy Orders, smart enough to write encyclicals and simple enough to reach the every man, woman and child in the Church. He’d have to be able to laugh at himself, and cry with his flock.” So God made a pope.

It had to be somebody strong enough to die for Christ or live for his Church yet soft enough to end schisms and reach his opponents. Someone to pray, heal, serve, rule, forgive, judge and guide a flock that would grow from 12 to 1.25 billion. So God made a pope.

It had to be someone that could handle bureaucracy, study the law, oppose heresy and not fear the wolves. So God made a pope.

God said, “It has to be someone who’s a sinner, but who I can use for my greater glory. It needs be someone with so much zeal they sometimes say and do the wrong thing, but with enough wisdom to accept their own fallibility when confronted. Someone who could pastor charismatics and Latin mass goers, nuns and brothers, bishops and laymen. So God made a pope.

It would have to be someone willing to bear slurs, oppose injustice, speak for peace, hold fast to truth and forever work to evangelize an unbelieving world. So God made a pope.

It had to be someone who can look inside, and try, perhaps even with a tear in his eye, and know when its time to let someone else carry the cross and the crown.

So God made this pope.

God bless and keep Pope Benedict XVI.

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If you liked this, you may also like Father Kyle Schnippel’s “So Jesus Called the Priest,” recently posted on the Archdiocese of Cincinnati’s Vocation’s page. 

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This will be a unique and challenging time for the Church, but as the Holy Spirit has guided us for 2,000+ years, it will continue to do so. I look forward to continuing to cover this nearly unprecedented news.